Kid Learning To Sit Up - YourDailyMedia.com

jelleoel..

Posts: 1658

Posted by: jelleoelle on the 09th 2007f Feb @ 03:04

Quote:

On 09-02-07 00:37 Tokeabow wrote:
CARING FOR YOUR BRITISH PERSON
British people tend to be much larger than most Europeans, so they may require an extra-large cage, however slightly smaller than that of the American version. You will also need a padded cage, as British people are stupid and will repeatedly run into the walls. They must be fed a diet of entirely fish and chips, at least twice per day. Take care in feeding them, as Britons may have a Stiff Upper Lip (or believe that they do) and may attempt to ram you with it. Be careful not to let your British person die - as their empire and former greatness as crumbled, their population has dwindled in their confined, tiny-arse little island. If too many British people die, they could become an endangered species.

Diet---
It is a well known fact that the British will eat anything which has been boiled. This includes sausages, sheep innards, crumpets (but only if they're in bulk), SPAM™, pudding, beer, fish, blood, chips, and Puerto Ricans. The Queen will eat your brains (boiled of course) if you vandalize this again. The main source of dietary consumption though seems to be tea and scones with clotted cream (and crumpets).

(insert gratuitous bad teeth joke here)

Social Structure-
The British have a social structure in which a number of all female 'workers' maintain their country under the rule of the Queen. The appearance of two sexes has been created for the purpose of entertaining each other and to maintain the fashion industry, and to draw attention away from their violent disposition.

Female workers are broken into three separate types; "workers", "care-takers", and "warriors" (see amazons). Though differing somewhat throughout the species, the hive structure remains relatively the same throughout the world.

Population Distribution-
The British no longer inhabit Britain, as they all emigrated to such cultural bastions as Los Angeles, Melbourne and Spanish cities. These cities have vibrant British communities, each with their own "Londontown" district in which traditional cuisine is served, football hooliganism is practised, the weather is complained about and ale is quaffed. Britain was taken over in the 80s by a new people called chavs coming from a former colony, Manchestershire.

The Spanish community of British people flourishes. In Spain the British appear as bright red sun-burnt, fat bellied, tourists with stripy red and blue shirts and shorts and an idiot hat placed upon their head. Ironically more British are in Spain than in Britain itself, the Spanish government has thus forced all British to move south into Gibraltar, Ibiza and Maldives. Ironically the British complain about immigrants to their country on a regular basis.

Mathematics-
All forms of English measurement have no bearing on one another. One could specify a peck in a pint in a bushel on a cornhenbollocksshirewall yard. This elaborate system was largely used around the country to trick simpletons into paying too much for too little, at a time when most of the population was innumerate in the first place. The English system of measurement was given to the United States in hopes that it would defeat them by their own inability to count, but the Americans had since mastered the complexity and rules of English measurement, and use it to to this day. Though the British currently use the metric system, they often long for the units of measurement that were once passed on to other British colonies. Note that all but one of those colonies have failed miserably, Australia is still going strong to this day.

Language-
The British language is spoken in Britain and British Columbia. It is written and spoken by taking the English language and putting back the 'u's and 'l's that the Americans took away all over the place. For example, "colour" translates into "color" and "travelled" translates as "traveled". British speakers also have a really annoying accent, which makes you want to grab your American shotgun, but they are known to beat Americans to death (or at least try to) for no good reason other than they keep being late to save their ass in wars. The British people are also widely known for brutally attacking Americans, spamming American websites on the American internet, using American computers, and vandalising web pages for reasons which couldn't possibly involve rampant jealousy.

Humour-
The British pride themselves on their sense of humour, most usually expressed in international sporting events where comedians traditionally take the place of sportsmen. Conversely, the famed TV series Monty Python's Flying Circususususus was written and performed by three croquet teams from Spottern Womad, a small village near Penge, and not the bunch of over-advantaged arts graduates copping on to the end of the satire boom as is widely believed.

The best place to sample British humour is in the pub, where it is served by the warm pint through the carefully pithed skeletons of giraffe. You may be asked to perform a Bouffant Peony, a traditional dance which involves painting a picture of the Archibishop of Canterbury on your own chest using tomato ketchup, brown sauce, salt and pepper - small containers of which are often placed on the tables in the pub for this purpose. Note that although it is still theoretically illegal to "prance the bud" if you are Roman Catholic (the Religious Intolerance and Hatred Act 1705 never having been formally revoked), prosecutions are extremely rare.

The British have also made the bashing of people from the United States a popular pastime. It started after they were defeated by a small colonial rebel army. They began to feel insecure about themselves and their accents, and decided to attack the people who hurt their feelings. See United States of America to view some of their poorly written insults on the weight and intelligence of people from the United States of America.

Human-British Communication-
You may have heard a Brit talking once or twice, and mistook it for a vulture with a lung impalement or a walrus during mating season. You may find yourself at a party when a Brit enters the room - someone naively asks 'who farted?' and you, embarrassingly, are the last to say 'not me'.

A European's presence can be detected within a quarter-mile radius, and things will only get worse if one attempts to communicate with you. When approached by a Brit, do not panic. Keep your distance. It will come dangerously close to you while squawking in its language, and 9 out of 10 people pass out at this point, causing more awkwardness and a possible international incident as Britain accuses you of warmongering. Bear in mind that these people come a far-away land where time stopped in the year 1700. Their language has only recently emerged from the Shakespearean era.

A British Girl: Note the hideousl bad teeth, pasty pale complexion and overall revolting appearance.If the oncoming Brit is female, you are in serious danger. Now you can panic. Take cover in the nearest store where she can't get near you and find a pair of ear-plugs, ear-muffs, and a nose-clip. Even this may not suffice as the sound of the female's voice can pierce 6 feet of solid lead. Despite these precautions, you may still hear it shouting "WHAh een tha BLAADY 'ELL yoo rannine fram?!" as she violently tries to penetrate the barrier around the store. Good luck and godspeed if you ever have the misfortune of an encounter with this species.

And somehow you got the impression that anyone cares? SHUT THE FUCK UP!